(HTD) With Friends With Benefits

We've all been there. Had that guy we just fooled around with when we were bored. If you haven't, you clearly haven't gone through college, yet. But we have noticed that some girls seem to be getting into "friends with benefits" situations and start to forget the whole "friends" part of the deal. We have learned over many years that if you're going to get into this agreement with a guy, you must accept the fact that it does not mean once you guys start fucking he's magically going to fall in love with you.

First off, you should never tell a guy you want to be in a friends with benefits situation especially if you like the guy. Way too many girls say they're okay with it, just to give themselves the mirage that guy likes them back. He doesn't. How can you think he likes you when you literally just established you were going to touch each other for fun and nothing else? In fact, it's a big reason why guys get the asshole rap. Girl's knowingly become friends with benefits with a guy, either already had or begins to develop feelings for the guy, and then trashes him once she realizes he feels nothing for her. You can't expect a guy to like you if he literally told you he just wanted to fool around with you. So here's how to deal when you're even considering becomes FWB with a guy you know:

Make sure: MAKE SURE! We highly recommend this step be repeated multiple times before you even get anywhere near being naked with him. Make sure you have no emotional feelings for this guy prior to becoming FWB. And if you know that when you have sex with someone you get super attached, don't fucking do it! You're just setting yourself up to fail.

Talk it out: Having a FWB relationship with a guy isn't a normal relationship. Just like in the movie, you don't have to worry about certain things you normally would if it were with a guy you eventually wanted to marry. Tell him what you like, what you don't like, how and where you wanna do it. The best part of FWB is being able to do whatever the fuck you want and not have to worry about him breaking up with you because you're a fucking freak. When it comes to FWB, never judge.

Establish rules: Let him know he's allowed to mack other bitches, but that he has to make you aware of it. You don't want him fucking that dirty bitch Candy from his gym without you knowing, do you? And also, make sure he's well aware that you'll still be making out with hot guys you dance with at the club. Make sure you guys understand if you meet someone you actually wanna date that it's okay for one of you to pull out of the FWB ordeal without much notice.

Never, ever, fall in love: This isn't the movies and Justin Timberlake won't be there in Grand Central to set up a flash mob for you. It just ain't gonna happen. FWB is dangerous, because, typically, the girl gets feelings for the guy. It's not our fault, we're designed to feel attachment to anyone who puts their D in our V. But, if you're mentally prepared, it can't happen. If you go into it with even a glimpse of hope that it might turn into something more, you're fucked...literally and figuratively. Also, we hate to see girls get hurt, and we don't want you crying all over our shoulders when we're trying to watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians or something.

HTD #06: When it comes to FWB, never fall in love and always, ALWAYS use a condom.

(HTD) Funny Shit Fridays

If you can watch this without squirming yet laughing at how fucking wrong it sounds, then you're a much stronger person than we are.

(HTD) Throwback Thursdays: the 90s

In honor of throw back Thursdays we bring you our list of favorite shows from back in the day. We're 90s kids, so if you can't relate then you fucking suck. 

If you don't recall these faces then you obviously weren't a 90s kids. We loved our rugrats, especially Angelica. She was a total bitch and always fucked with the other babies, much like us in our diaper days. And you're lying if you say you didn't cry during the rugrats movie when Tommy is singing while holding his dad's slipper. And no, watching All Grown Up is not like watching Rugrats. Fuck.

This bitch and her scary fucking doll haunted out dreams, but we still loved the big comfy couch. She was super flexible which is cool and you know you used to lay on the floor and try to do the leg-clock thing she did on her rug. 

You know when you think of All That you immediately sing in your head "this is alllll that, this is allll that", or is that just us? We all fell in love with Kenan and Kel. We all love learning french with Kenan Thompson while he sat in a bathtub wearing that yellow rain coat get-up. And hello, the birth of the Goodburger sketches?

Although she's turned into a fucking insane woman, we loved watching little Amanda Bynes on her Nickelodeon show. It was so fucking good we don't even have to really go into it. All we'll say is: Judge Trudy, Blockblister, Moody's Point, Hillbilly Moment, The Klutzes, Tony Pajamas, Mr. Oldman (That old guy they used to prank phone call), Totally Kyle (drake bell was soooo cute), Amanda's Jacuzzi and how could we forget the girlllsss roooommm.

Even though they remade the classic, Figure it Out, nothing beat watching fatty Lori Beth get slimed every week. Figure it Out was our favorite game show, next to the Legends of the Hidden Temple. Watching it now, though, it's so funny to hear the random shit the kid guest stars do with their free time. One of the puzzles would be, like, 'Macy enjoys making sock puppets for her feet' and other stupid shit.

When we speak of Cher and how fucking amazing she is, we're not talking about the stretched out slut that was in that movie with Christina Aguilera, were talking about Cher Horrowitz, or guide, or sensei, our love. Not only was she super popular, but she was super rich, had a black bestie and managed to get by on her looks despite how fucking stupid she was. Although we wish it was Alicia Silverstone on the small screen when Clueless hit us a year after the movie came out, we still loved it.

You don't have to be a 90s kid to remember Friends. In fact, we just watched an episode on TBS before. Nevertheless, Friends is a classic. We wanted to be as blonde as Phoebe, look like Rachel and be as skinny as Monica. As for the guys, fuck Joey, marry Chandler and kill David Schwimmer, just because he sucks. Our fave character, however, is hands down Chandler. Not only was he cute in a dorky way, but he's fucking hilarious. And it's even hotter that Matthew Perry wrote a lot of Chandler's jokes. Even though they didn't really make much of themselves after the series finale, we're sure making a million dollars an episode helped out with the bills when all was said and done.

Here's a vid of some random kids fave TV theme songs that we thought we'd share with you for a trip down memory lane.

(HTD) Celebrity Updates

Angelina Jolie comes out with her news of a double mastectomy. We, in a no way, have any jokes for this because it's honestly a really brave thing to do. Her mother died of cancer and after finding out she had a defective gene for breast cancer, Jolie opted to have her breasts removed. There's nobody we respect more than Angelina Jolie and we really commend her.

Click to read the full story in Jolie's Op-Ed she wrote for the New York Times








Now, on to celebs we can mock...


Is Beyonce preggers? This photo really tells it all...Maybe we're still drunk from last night or, you know, fucking blind, but we don't see any kind of baby bump. Anyway, Mrs. Carter cancelled one of her shows because she didn't have enough water or some bullshit, and now everyone's saying she's pregnant. It'll be really awkward if she actually just put on five pounds...
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Our fave show is coming back! June 2nd get ready for KUWTK. If you don't watch the Kardashian's then you can't sit with us. Not just you, like, any of us. We're so excited to listen to the profound things Kim has to say about pregnancy and her relationship with Kanye. While this family is singlehandedly the worsttttt and the reason humanity has gone down the fucking toilet, we can't help snuggling up on Sunday nights and watching attentively at the tv. They're addictive. And we like watching Scott be a total dick to everyone.

Is Miles engaged? Every fucking site seems to be buzzing with this twit pic, so we thought we'd share it, too. No one really knows if Liam Hemsworth is still dumb enough to be engaged to Miley Cyrus, but it'd be kind of weird for her to wear an engagement ring if they weren't. Obvi, they don't want everyone up their asses about it, so it kind of makes sense that they keep it on the DL. Either way, we don't really care. We do sometimes wonder if the two go to the same barbershop, though.
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How presh. Ian Somelhalder hung out with his daddums. We were soooooo upset when we found out Somelhalder and Nina Dobrev split after their three year relationship. They met on set of The Vampire Diaries in 2009, reportedly became best friends and subsequently started dating. They finally called it quits on May 9th. Ouch, we hope season 5 isn't awkward.
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You all know how obsessed we our with True Blood, so to see our fave characters having babies is just fucking adorable. Sookie and Bill have two beautiful twins, but they're being fucking lame and not telling us their names. Still, we think it's adorable. Even though we fucking hate Sookie and Bill together on the show (right now, because Bill's fucking insane) it's always exciting to see a couple of co stars makin' babies.
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(HTD) With First Dates: Dos and Don'ts

So you scored a date with that guy you've been crushing on for weeks. We hope for your sake he looks like Steff from Pretty and Pink and has the personality of Blane. If not, whatever, at least you're going out for a free meal. If this is your first date with the guy, we know how nerve racking it can be. Although, we might be dating ourselves, no pun intended, when we say the word "date" because we're pretty sure no one really goes out on dates anymore; and no, hooking up at a mixer is not considered a date, you sluts. But if you do find the rare gentleman who wishes to take you out to dinner, we've strategically thought up the Dos and Donts of what to do on your first date. So here's how to deal:

Dos:

Do: Be on time, holding him up doesn't make it look like you have so many important things going on in your life, it just looks like you're so ugly that you have to spend two hours on your makeup to look halfway presentable.
Do: Compliment him. Guys tell you your pretty every fucking day, the least you could do is call him handsome, which basically is saying "thanks for not wearing a fucking t-shirt and jeans".
Do:Order whatever you want. Don't try and be someone else with your food. If you order a hamburger normally, order a fucking hamburger--don't try and act like you're a healthy, skinny bitch and order a salad. If you actually would order a salad, order a salad--he's gonna figure it out sooner or later that you don't eat greasy crap, so you might as well make it clear now.
Do:Pretend to be interested. Even if you don't really care what he's studying at Columbia or, like, Hunter*, at least try and pretend to be fascinated by it. The more you act like you really enjoy what he's talking about, the more he'll like you--probably.
Do:Reach for the check. There's nothing a guy likes more than watch a girl cutely reach for the black book when it gets placed on the table. It gives them a chance to show you how (not) wealthy he is by putting his hand on yours and saying "I've got this"
Do:Look fucking hot. But don't show too much skin. If you're showing your arms and your tits, don't show your stomach or your legs. If you're wearing a short skirt, wear a high neck top. Balance it out, it'll keep him interested.

Don'ts

Don't:Talk about your ex. No guy in this fucking earth wants to hear about your crappy ex boyfriend. He knows he was a shitty guy, that's why you're not out with him right now.
Don't: Complain. DO NOT. It is literally the ugliest thing in the world when a girl complains about somewhere/anything a guy has taken you to. He probably spent a lot of time figuring out what restaurant he was going to bring you to, so complaining how shitty the waitress is or that your soup is luke warm won't get you a call in three days.
Don't:Talk about yourself the whole time. Sorry, but we don't all find you as fascinating as you do. Take a breath or take a long fucking sip of wine and let him talk about some stupid guy thing for, like, five seconds, okay?
Don't: Make fun of him in anyway. We get it, your sarcasm is hysterical, but on a first date, it's inappropriate. A guy is nervous enough, so he doesn't need you coyly mocking his outfit that he actually did spend an hour picking out.
Don't: Put out on the first night. If that's you M.O., well then, go for it--as long as you never want to see this guy again. Just because the date went awesome and you're horny as fuck, does not mean you should throw it at this guy. Say goodnight and go masturbate when you get home.

While these are pretty obvious things, you'd be surprised how forgetful our generation can be. Remember these things, especially if you're going out with an older guy, because for him, dates are a normal thing. And who knows, maybe if all goes well you'll actually get yourself a boyfriend. We've got our fingers crossed, seriously.

*it's that city school for all you rich fucks out there

(HTD) With Guys: Part One

So we've had our fair share of guys and we understand just how frustrating they can be. Most people say guys say exactly what they mean, and that's pretty much true. Girls are just the fucking retards who twist everything they say to have potentially 1,000 different meanings. So here's our code to cracking guys' cryptic messages they send our way. We hope this helps you in your quest to skip out on all the douches you would have otherwise been forced to date.

If he texts you:
"I have to help my mom with something": He's playing video games
"Sorry, I was sleeping": He was playing video games
"I'm just hanging with the guys today": He's playing video games with his friends
"I don't really feel like going out tonight,": He wants you to come over and watch him play video games

If he says to you:
"Nothing's wrong": Nothing's wrong
"You look pretty today": You look pretty everyday
"I promise": He promises
"I really like your friends": Your friends are cool


Okay, okay, enough of our sarcasm. Basically, stop over thinking everything. Guys don't care enough to come up with sneaky ways to tell you things that actually mean something else. They don't want you to have to guess what they really mean because that means less time to play video games or, like, feel you up.

Basically, guys think about three major things 1)Food 2)Video Games & 3)Sex. If you give your guy a sandwich and blow him while he simultaneously plays COD, you're golden in his eyes. However, if you're just starting out with a guy, blowing him on the first date may send him the wrong message. Stop being so slutty, girls. Guys will get bored of you, fast. Think about this:

A guy buys a video game when it's brand new and looks really awesome. He take said video game home and plays it all night until he finally beats it. That guy then brings the game back to gamestop and trades it in for a new game to play.

Do you want to be the easy video game? We think not. Just as there are millions of video games out there, there are millions of girls. Way more girls than guys, actually, so you better close your fucking legs if you ever want to get a husband.

We know it's hard to believe that guys actually mean every word they say and that there is no bigger picture, but it's true. If you take everything a guy says literally, you will have a successful relationship. If you try to decipher every fucking word that comes out of his mouth, you will not only drive yourself insane, but you'll also drive him out the fucking door.


So for now

HTD #06:Guys say what they mean, so go make him a sandwich and shut the fuck up

(HTD) With Obsession: Game of Thrones

"Happy Mother's Day Mom, now shut the fuck up Thrones is on,"

Because it's Sunday, we're going to share with you our obsession with the next best show to TrueBlood, Game of Thrones. You kind of get the way we deal with our obsessions, and that's going through the best of the best in the show--and making fun of a few that we can't stand. Game of Thrones, if you live under a fucking rock, takes place in like, England, or somewhere (we don't know, everyone has different accents), and it's about the Starks in the North fighting to take back the Capitol King's Landing from the sucky Lannisters, who suck. A lot of other shit happens, too, including another fam lead by our fave bitch Daenerys Targaryen who has a whole bunch of dragons and shit. So here's our fave characters...

Robby Stark is our fave King in all of Game of Thrones. Not only is he really hot, but he's also really hot. He gets named the King of the north and captures Jaime Lannister all in, like, one episode. He also fucks old tradition and marries this really hot bitch when he already promised his dick to some bridge people. Not only is he just an all around badass, but his name is also super chic because it's got two B's. Robb is definitely one of our favorite guys of the show, except we bet Mother's Day is kind of awk for him and his mom since he put her in jail...






Arya Stark...blah blah...runs away...blah blah...has that hot friend...blah blah...needs to grow her hair out...blah blah....might be a lesbian?...blah blah...we don't really care...blah blah...we might fast forward through her scenes sometimes...blah...











Omg, words can't describe how much of a love-hate relationship we have with Joff. On one hand he likes watching prostitutes beat one another instead of having sex with them, but on the other he's marrying that hot bitch Margaery, and actually listens to her and becomes slightly a better person. He's only, like, fifteen, so we're cutting him some slack, but all in all he's kind of a pussy. Like, when his kingdom got attacked her an to his mommy and let Peter Dink take the lead. So lame. But, Margaery is really hot and wears slutty clothes, so we like her. And she might be able to put Joffrey in his fucking place, or just take over the kingdom all together, either is preferred.


Oh Jon Snow. Our fave (used to be) virgin. We feel kind of bad you had to lose it to an orange bush, but hey, when you're in the negative degree mountains, we don't blame you. We're so glad he got out of the King's Watch, even though he's technically a spy/infiltrator, whatever. We think he's just gonna end up becoming a free man, and we'd be fine with that. He's so cute, we can't even. He doesn't really do anything wrong in the show...so far, so we love him all the more. He's just really attractive, basically, that's why we love him so much.


We fucking love Khaleesi/Daenerys/Mother of Dragons...She's fucking hot, has a whole army of men who will literally do anything she says, and she has fucking dragons. We can't wait for her to just destroy King's Landing and take everything. Not only is she, like, really pretty, but she has really great hair. They all kind of do, which is weird cause it's like 1804 and nobody had bobby pins or flat irons...weird. While we loved the Khal, we feel kind of bad that Daenerys won't love that guy back. You know, the old one who follows her everywhere and does fucking everything for her. Like, come on, you can't even throw him a beej?



















Tyrion Lanister: He's the short guy who likes prostitutes. And he gets his face slashed by his sister. SOMEONE has a tough fucking life.

Sansa Stark: Ugh, she annoys us for some reason. Like, you're dumb enough to believe they're not going to cut your dad's head off and you do everything they tell you? You deserved to take a backseat to Margaery, at least she knows what the fuck she's doing. We also think Sansa is a fucking retard if she goes away with Little Finger, but we will feel kind of bad if she has to marry Tyrion.

Queen Cersei: She's evil, has sex with her brother and all her kids are bastards and inbred and now I guess she's on crack. Cersei sucks, and we hate her. She killed the King before her husband (or her twin brother did, whatever) and then had him kill the King's hand so she could get Neddy Stark up there and just kill him, too. She's the definition of "the worrrrstttt".

These are the characters we love/hate, and we know we didn't even begin to cover half of them. They're are so fucking many we don't know if we have enough time to cover them all. If you really want to see them, just watch Game of Thrones tonight on HBO at 9...or 10? Or is it on Showtime? Whatever, we're not your fucking TV Guide.