So you scored a date with that guy you've been crushing on for weeks. We hope for your sake he looks like Steff from Pretty and Pink and has the personality of Blane. If not, whatever, at least you're going out for a free meal. If this is your first date with the guy, we know how nerve racking it can be. Although, we might be dating ourselves, no pun intended, when we say the word "date" because we're pretty sure no one really goes out on dates anymore; and no, hooking up at a mixer is not considered a date, you sluts. But if you do find the rare gentleman who wishes to take you out to dinner, we've strategically thought up the Dos and Donts of what to do on your first date. So here's how to deal:
Dos:
Do: Be on time, holding him up doesn't make it look like you have so many important things going on in your life, it just looks like you're so ugly that you have to spend two hours on your makeup to look halfway presentable.
Do: Compliment him. Guys tell you your pretty every fucking day, the least you could do is call him handsome, which basically is saying "thanks for not wearing a fucking t-shirt and jeans".
Do:Order whatever you want. Don't try and be someone else with your food. If you order a hamburger normally, order a fucking hamburger--don't try and act like you're a healthy, skinny bitch and order a salad. If you actually would order a salad, order a salad--he's gonna figure it out sooner or later that you don't eat greasy crap, so you might as well make it clear now.
Do:Pretend to be interested. Even if you don't really care what he's studying at Columbia or, like, Hunter*, at least try and pretend to be fascinated by it. The more you act like you really enjoy what he's talking about, the more he'll like you--probably.
Do:Reach for the check. There's nothing a guy likes more than watch a girl cutely reach for the black book when it gets placed on the table. It gives them a chance to show you how (not) wealthy he is by putting his hand on yours and saying "I've got this"
Do:Look fucking hot. But don't show too much skin. If you're showing your arms and your tits, don't show your stomach or your legs. If you're wearing a short skirt, wear a high neck top. Balance it out, it'll keep him interested.
Don'ts
Don't:Talk about your ex. No guy in this fucking earth wants to hear about your crappy ex boyfriend. He knows he was a shitty guy, that's why you're not out with him right now.
Don't: Complain. DO NOT. It is literally the ugliest thing in the world when a girl complains about somewhere/anything a guy has taken you to. He probably spent a lot of time figuring out what restaurant he was going to bring you to, so complaining how shitty the waitress is or that your soup is luke warm won't get you a call in three days.
Don't:Talk about yourself the whole time. Sorry, but we don't all find you as fascinating as you do. Take a breath or take a long fucking sip of wine and let him talk about some stupid guy thing for, like, five seconds, okay?
Don't: Make fun of him in anyway. We get it, your sarcasm is hysterical, but on a first date, it's inappropriate. A guy is nervous enough, so he doesn't need you coyly mocking his outfit that he actually did spend an hour picking out.
Don't: Put out on the first night. If that's you M.O., well then, go for it--as long as you never want to see this guy again. Just because the date went awesome and you're horny as fuck, does not mean you should throw it at this guy. Say goodnight and go masturbate when you get home.
While these are pretty obvious things, you'd be surprised how forgetful our generation can be. Remember these things, especially if you're going out with an older guy, because for him, dates are a normal thing. And who knows, maybe if all goes well you'll actually get yourself a boyfriend. We've got our fingers crossed, seriously.
*it's that city school for all you rich fucks out there
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