(HTD) With Being Hungover

Since we know that the best writer's pull from experience we figure why not write about hangovers right when we have them! Just like a majority of young adults, when you wake up on a Saturday or, like, a Wednesday morning, you're always hungover as fuck from the night before. Usually, your hair is tangled, your makeup is smudged, and when you look in the mirror you basically look like the fucking exorcist girl.

Our fave part of hangovers is the massive headache and the horrible nausea. It's fab. While in most rich bitch cases, hangovers means you get to stay at home and do nothing all day until you have to go out that night, most normal people have to get the fuck up and go to work. Whether it be your real job, or working at fucking Kmart, we know how much it sucks when your head is pounding and you can't remember where you left your underwear the night before.

Going to work hungover is fucking horrible and way worse then going to class hungover; at least in class you can sit in a desk way in the back and pass the fuck out. So for those of you working gals who aren't "poor", as most bitches associate girls who work, and are just trying to pay your fucking rent, we have a couple ways on how to deal with going to work hungover.

Big. Fucking. Sunglasses: They're our life savers. Without them, our eyes would be singed out of our heads from the bright ass light of the sun. Big sunglasses are perfect because they hide your blood shot, watery eyes which are screaming "I went out and got fucked up last night" and nobody really bothers you when you're walking around in them. Of course, you have to take them off when you actually get to work, but at least you got there with little trouble.

Coffee: We don't care about the people who love eating when they're hungover, we're not those people. Sorry, but if you come near us with a fucking toasted bagel we're going to throw up on your ugly shoes. We love, however, huge fucking coffees. It depends on our mood, but we usually go with that fucking obscene 30 ounce from Starbucks and fill it to the brim with delicious iced caramel goodness (skinny, of course, because 10 calories less is worth it...).

Tell everyone to fuck off: If you don't work in a customer service job, lucky fucking you. You don't have to deal with performance and basically being nice to people you have to be nice to or you'd get fired. If that's your case, sit in your fucking cubicle, put those sunglasses back on and do whatever it is the fuck they pay you a dollar more than minimum wage to do. If you work at any fast food place, we cry for you, because we can only imagine what it's like to deal with Hannah the 300 pound dieter showing you that there's no mayo on her McChicken and she's fucking pissed.

We don't believe in any mixture of drinks that "cure" a hangover. There is no cure for a hangover. It's your fucking punishment for going out the night before and being a little sluttier than you would have been if you were sober. You can choke down some pepto if you're really desperate, but odds are you'll be throwing that up by lunch time. Just remember, you got really fucking wasted, laughed a lot with your friends and finally got the drunk-girl courage to go up to that guy from class and tell him you think he's, in the words of a severely drunk girl, 'soooooo cahyoot'.

Till tomorrow,

HTD #05: Hangovers are just the horrible balance for how fucking good of a night you had.

(HTD) Funny Shit Fridays

Here's our fave video for today. We literally couldn't resist, despite how gross it would be if this were real. Guys really would do anything for some T&A...It's really sad and pathetic when you think about it, but I guess if you're worried about scaring off your man with the accidental slip, don't worry, just do it in a bikini and you'll be fine.

(HTD) With Not Being Skinny

Okay, so this photo was obviously made to show you what Lindsay Lohan would look like anorexic, but still, ew. We're sorry, but unlike a portion of this world, we don't find any of that attractive.

We're real people, and therefore have real standards. We all have that really skinny friend who comes out to eat and orders a fucking deep fried hamburger covered in bacon and then complains the next day that she 'lost a pound'. It sucks, but fucking excuse us if we don't feel like working out in the gym 24/7 or eating air everyday.

As much as we know being skinny rocks, or whatever the fuck skinny people say, sometimes it's fucking hard to get there. Don't get us wrong, we don't promote being 5'2" and weighing, like, 200lbs. But I mean, fuck, what are we going to do if that describes you? We're still gonna let you sit with us at lunch. Because we're not 12 years old. And usually, fat people are either a) funny or b) fucking party animals, so we don't mind having someone to go out and get blackout drunk with.

Only two of us actually offered up their measurements so here we go: One of these bitches is 5'3" and weighs 125lbs. Big whoop. She still complains she's fat, so we keep her away from mirrors. And the other is 5'7" and weighs 150lbs. Like, she's fucking tall as fuck, and when we look at her we don't even believe that's her true weight. But, you know, at least she has a fucking ass and tits. There's nothing we hate more than a girl who's boobs are so nonexistent that if we blocked her head off and put her topless next to a shirtless 12 year old boy, no one would know the difference.

We hate this fucking world and it's unrealistic standards for being thin. Sorry that i fucking can't stay away from chocolate and popcorn or any other snack that's salty. If you're reading this and are like "fuck yeah, that's how I feel", great. We're here to tell you how to deal: Basically, that guy in high school who was really hot, but only dated the toothpick blonde bitches who did back-hand springs on the cheerleading squad will eventually come to grips with the fact that he wants someone he can actually settle down with and end up getting married to a brunette with child bearing hips. Because in the end, we're all fucking animals and we're bound by human nature.

Guys like girls with some meat. So for those of you who are striving for skin and bones, just think of it like this: a guy wants the whole fucking steak, not the leftover carcass. Sorry if this goes against your love for 'Ana', or whatever her name is, but she sounds like a bitch, and nobody likes a bitch, nobody.

Unfortunately, if you're ugly, it's kind of hard to work around that. We don't know how to deal with it because we're all fucking gorgeous.

HTD #04: Just don't be ugly and you're fine.

(HTD) With Obession: True Blood

Regardless of the fact that this show is literally kinky porn, we are fucking obsessed with TrueBlood. And, because everyone is obviously like us, you must be obsessed, too. And probably squirming at the fact we have to wait almost another month for season 6 to premier. So to help you deal with this obsession we're going to drool over all the beautiful characters, and shit on the ones we can't stand. We're obsessed, deal with it.


Sookie Stackhouse. If you don't at least like her then why even bother watching the show living? Not only does this girl have two hot fucking vampires craving her delish blood, but she can also read people's minds and see their memories. We don't know about you, but we'd fucking love to know what everyone is thinking around us, just so we can call them out on all their bullshit. Also, we just love Ana Paquin ever since she was that random groupie chick in Almost Famous; you know, the one with the gap in her teeth? We're not going to go into much detail, god forbid you haven't watched all the episodes yet, but to sum it up, we fucking love her. And we're kind of jealous we cant spew lightening beams from our palms, also.


While we loved Bill in the first few seasons, he kind of turned into a huge dick once he became King. Not to mention, he totally ditched Sook and that's not cool. We don't really care if it was because he loved her, either way we got our secret desire out of it: Sookie hooked up with Eric. Also, he loses some points for being kind of short. He's only a few inches taller than Sookie, and she's probably really short. And when they were all hopped up on that vampire's blood, Bill was quick to jump on Eric's back; we guess he wanted to know what it felt like to see the world from a man's point of view. Okay, we're a little biased towards Eric, shut up.



Ugh, talk about being fucking obsessed. He's literally the hottest guy on the show, with Alcide running a close second--but Eric's a vampire and he's going to live forever, so he wins by a long shot. He also fucks his sister, which is kind of weird, but pretty bad ass, in a storage container and makes pussy Bill wait outside. We loved him when he lost his memory and was all lost, cute puppy with Sookie, but when he gets back to normal he's just all around perfect. Even though Sookie's a bitch and dumped both him and Bill, we know deep down in our hearts they will be reunited. And if you've read the book and know for a fact that's not true--keep it to yourselves, we're not fucking interested.


Ugh, Tara. We can't even. Her only redeeming quality is that she's a vampire now. But still, ew.














Pam is our fucking bitch, we love her to death. She doesn't give a fuck about anyone, runs a successful business (when Eric's not around) and actually give some appeal to Tara. She's the only one who sees through Sookie's innocent bullshit, even though we love Sookie, we appreciate a good bitch. We're not totally sure if Pam's a lesbian or not, although she never has a guy and has been seen eating out a human girl. Either way, we love her and her need for couture.




We know that there are sooo many other characters we could go into, but we're just really lazy and don't feel like remembering all of them. Except Laylay, we love us a good gay outspoken character. So below we have a youtube video of our fave Lafayette moments.

(HTD) When Your Ex Has A New GF

We don't really care who broke up with who, but when one of our ex's has a new girlfriend, it's women-nature to automatically want that douche we dumped a couple months ago back. If you're like us, then this has happened to you or is currently happening to you right as we speak. Luckily, we know how to deal and how to get out of these slumps easily.

Obviously, the first thing we're going to do is talk a lot of shit about our ex's new girlfriend. 'Ugh, she's so ugly', 'she really needs to lay off the bronzer', 'she's actually kind of fat' basically, any bullshit we can spew within the first five minutes of seeing them together. Obviously, you're girls are going to back you and call her a dyke-skank, too, regardless of how pretty she actually is.

To get over this temporary spell of wanting your ex back, you need to think of a few key things. 1) think about why you dumped him in the first place. Whether he cheated, was too emotionally unavailable, or just an all around dick, odds are he's still that way regardless of his new arm candy. He's definitely still fucking that Rite Aid checkout girl in the projection room above the auditorium, or you know, in the parking lot in his old camaro--whatever. And he's definitely not telling this girl how he feels every minute of every day, or at all, just like he didn't when he was dating you. And he's most likely still acting like a tool towards her whenever he's trying to act cool in front of his friends. The only difference now is, he's doing all that shit with another girl.

Instead of judging her, you should really be thanking her.

Because now, instead of him pining over you and begging to take him back, he has a new girl to fucking annoy the shit out of and do all those tiny things that pissed you off to. Remember all the things about him that really sucked and then you won't feel like shit about him having a new girlfriend, and you'll save yourself time trying to plot ways to break them up. You don't want him back, you just don't want him to be happy; totes normal. But sadly, you'll just have to hope she's secretly a psycho bitch and will make his life miserable all on her own.

Now, if you were the one getting dumped, sorry--that kinda sucks. But still, you're going to have to deal with it when you see your dreaded ex necking with some random slut he met at the clubs two nights ago. How to deal, you ask? Act like you're the fucking princess of sunshine and be as happy as you can when you see them. Pretend like you couldn't be more happy for their union and only wish them the best. And then, you can go out that night and get completely obliterated with your girls and talk about how trashy her outfit was. Basically, in either situation, you're not going to get your ex back if he has a new gf, nor should you want to. You left him/he left you for a reason, which qualifies you to not give a fuck about him ever and never wanting him back again.

HTD #03: He's still the same shitty guy, just with a new toy to play with. Deal with it.

(HTD) With The Multiple-Texter

We all have them, the guy who you might be into, but you sometimes just don't feel like talking to--at all. So maybe he'll text you a 'Hey', but you don't feel like answering because the asian woman massaging your hands is just about to start applying polish. And then, it hits like a fucking A-Bomb, the second text: 'How was your night?', or something to that effect.

Now, he's becoming kind of a bother. You don't want to answer, but you're a little annoyed that he texted you again after you clearly weren't answering fifteen minutes ago. You shrug it off and focus on the mani you're getting, making sure this lady doesn't fuck it up. As your drying and enjoying that free five-second back massage they give you, your phone vibrates. You carefully push down on the homebutton and realize it's another text from the same fucking guy: 'What are you up to today?' And there's usually a compliment attached to it, like 'cutie' or 'beautiful' and that just pisses you off more than it flatters you.

We don't really care if anyone can relate to this, because frankly, it just pisses us off and we want to vent. Obviously you weren't important enough to warrant a text back, so don't continue to text us like we're eventually going to respond. If anything, you just began a game to see just how long before we snap and finally text you back some one word answers.

The multiple-texter is hard to shake without bluntly being a bitch, and unless you want him to go tell his friends how bitchy you are, you kind of have to play it cool. If you don't feel like dealing with it, don't answer--ever. Maybe he'll get the hint and just stop talking to you all together. But let's face it, this guy probably isn't on the top of your 'to-fuck' list, but you still like to have him around to text when you're bored and need someone to talk about yourself to.

In reality, we're never going to tell this guy we fucking hate when he texts us fifty times in a row, but still it's really annoying when he does. Even though we're probably leading him on and sending him flirty drunk texts on the weekends, this guy can be a real pain in the ass, but we, knowing everything, always have ways to deal.

HTD Tip #02: The Bullshit Route: 'CTRN, Mani Pedi TTYL!'

(HTD) With Makeup: Stop Abusing It

So here's what we've noticed: apparently, 13 year old girls were out getting felt up (as the generations are getting sluttier by the decade) rather than learning how to apply their makeup properly. Stop fucking abusing it, the saying doesn't go "more is more" for a reason. So in lieu of explaining how to properly put on makeup, which is something you should've already learned, here's some descriptions of what these makeup disasters say about you--and it's up to you to stop doing it.


Too Much Eyeliner: Just so you know, nobody finds this attractive. Except maybe that old guy who was the lead singer of Kiss or, like, Ozzy Osbourne--wait, are they the same person? we forget, either way, it's gross. No guy is going to want to go near you let alone kiss you when they run the risk of getting black sludge all over their faces. This look basically says 'I fucked up on one eye and tried to even them out' or 'I forgot to use a fucking mirror'. Go simple, or stay the fuck home.
Bad Smokey Eye: This look literally screams 'I ran out of eyeshadow so I used my eyeliner in it's place', we were going to put another picture of Taylor Momsen for this, but we figured we'd give her a break because she's a decent human being really skinny. We're sick of girls going out like this and calling it a smokey eye. Please, do us a favor and stand at least ten feet away from us because we're choking on all your fucking smoke.
Caked Foundation/Wrong Color: Our biggest pet peeve is when girls think that the more makeup you put on the prettier you will become. WRONG. We're sorry to say, but, if you're ugly you're ugly and no amount of that expensive Chanel foundation your mom bought you for Christmas is going to cover that up. Our second biggest pet peeve is when girls use the wrong. fucking. color. We clearly understand that sometimes people have to buy drug store brands of foundation, and that's okay, but seriously they have that pull out color table to match to your fucking skin...USE IT. If we see another pale girl with Ebony Tan on her face, we're going to scratch our eyes out.
Too Much Bronzer: This look tells every person you come within a five mile radius of that you either a) desperately want to be tan or b) are stupid enough to think you look good. We sympathize with the tan-retarded people who just seem to stay white year round, but that does not mean that qualifies you to lather your face in bronzer. Unless your Snooki or don't care about ever getting laid, we suggest you stop using so much fucking bronzer and go get a spray on tan or something...or just embrace your fucking paleness and get over it.

HTD #01: Less is fucking more, you cake face